I feel like I just saw an amazing car crash and there's no one around to tell about it. I cordially invite everyone to read Simmons' review of Rush on Grantland if you haven't already. It may be the most Simmons-ish of all Simmons columns. In honor of its publication, let me provide a list of ways in which you, the internet, may imitate a Bill Simmons pop culture column:
Start with an immediate reference to dated sports movies. Simmons wastes no time, unloading two references in the first fucking sentence, with no less than four total. I suspect he is now self-aware and purposely omitting any reference to the Karate Kid. It's like a fat guy too ashamed to gorge on nachos in public, but then orders three appetizers to go with his bacon-covered salad.
Spend 10 paragraphs dancing around an absurd premise - They don't make good sports movies anymore.
Proceed to identify at least eight quality sports movies from the last 5 years, but immediately discount said movies. They're good, but you didn't have to see them in the theater.
Preposterous, you say? Provide a helpful link to establish your expertise on pop culture. Simmons chooses his 2010 column about The Fighter, the best Boston boxing movie of the modern era of Boston cinema that you didn't have to see in a theater.
Exercise use of power and prestige to appoint movie stars - Chris Hemsworth is "definitely a movie star." Burt Reynolds? He's the most "believable movie quarterback" of all time. (Nice try Keanu). Bonus - remind everyone that Brad Pitt is still a movie star.
Preserve delicate balance of power in Hollywood through judicious condemnation of Adam Sandler. "Someday," Simmons will forgive Sandler for remaking the Longest Yard. Not today though, fuckface.
Vaguely imply that Rocky III is both a great sports movie and had to be seen in a theater to be appreciated.
List the six things all great sports movies require. Because no analysis of pop culture is complete without a checklist.
Remember to plug 30 for 30 and remind everyone that it was somehow all your idea.
Include polite warning to the readers - "Please know that I won't spoil the movie for you."
Proceed to spoil the movie for everyone unfamiliar with two european race car drivers from the 70s - "They uglied [the actor playing Niki Laude] up for this movie, giving him a prosthetic overbite and (eventually) a burned head." Later: "The signature crash is agonizing; Lauda's painful recovery is something else." Also, Simmons thoughtfully explains that Lauda eventually gets married but is unable to cope with happiness.
Include am unintended and bizarrely thoughtful statement regarding the mountains of information available on the internet - Simmons advises us to read a book about both drivers to save people the time of looking them up on google.
Close out by comparing Ron Howard to Justin Timberlake, because one of them is probably "the most successful child actor ever." Be sure to couch this comparison in a long, backhanded compliment to Ron Howard. This may just be a veiled attempt to troll Jodie Foster, the sworn enemy of Bill Simmons and the most over-rated of all the under-rated child actors of all time.
Proceed to pick winners of football games.